{"id":23836,"date":"2016-08-23T18:26:08","date_gmt":"2016-08-23T18:26:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/adoption-2020.local\/should-birth-fathers-have-a-say-in-adoption\/"},"modified":"2021-03-10T17:12:33","modified_gmt":"2021-03-11T01:12:33","slug":"should-birth-fathers-have-a-say-in-adoption","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/should-birth-fathers-have-a-say-in-adoption\/","title":{"rendered":"Should Birth Fathers Have a Say in Adoption?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"border: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">I just read an article on The Salt Lake Tribune about Open Adoption and it was informative. For those of you who don\u2019t know, the adoption practices of Utah, in comparison with other states, has been called in to question; what that question is has morphed into something uglier and bigger than it needs to be, in my opinion.<\/p>\n<p style=\"border: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Initially it started with the rights of birth fathers, and what exactly their rights are. This is a sensitive place for me.&nbsp;In my work life, we help mediate divorces and get a stipulation in order that will be turned into an Order through the court system. More often than not, the divorces involve children and we set up parent time plans and calendars.&nbsp;Lately we\u2019ve seen a lot of mediations come through that are paternity mediations. This&nbsp;means mom and dad weren\u2019t married, but dad wants rights.&nbsp;I think this is great to a degree. (That sounded harsh) &nbsp;It\u2019s hard to separate my individual experience with everyone else\u2019s. I need to remember that not all birth fathers have put the birth mother\u2019s life in danger on multiple occasions. Or that all birth fathers would be a danger to their child. In fact, sometimes it\u2019s the exact opposite. Only mom doesn\u2019t want dad to have any custody or rights because that would limit the amount of child support she receives from him. She wants him to have just enough in order to get money from him. It\u2019s the truth and it\u2019s disgusting. But, I digress\u2026<\/p>\n<p style=\"border: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Should birth fathers have legal rights in the adoption process? That\u2019s the initial question to the debate that has unfolded. Though, now it has morphed into every birth mother who has had a bad experience through the adoption process coming forth and bad mouthing open adoption because of their&nbsp;<span style=\"border-style: initial; border-color: initial; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit;\">singular&nbsp;<\/span>bad experience. Do promises get made that aren\u2019t kept? Yes, probably more often than not, and that\u2019s wrong. And if you are an adoptive parent who promised the moon and stars only to pull the rug out from under the birth mother once the adoption was finalized, then shame on you. However, as a birth mother\/parent, it is important for us to set boundaries for ourselves and the child we placed. Because, truth of the matter is, we signed our rights away. So there is reprimand to go around on every angle of this debate. There is not one side that is purer than the other. The only purity out of all of this is the child that was born and placed. They are the light.<\/p>\n<p style=\"border: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">It wasn\u2019t the article that bothered me. It was the comments being made that were truly disturbing. Critical phrases were being thrown right and left. And accusations from one\u2019s personal experiences were being generalized on the \u201cwhole\u201d experience that is adoption.&nbsp;I typically don\u2019t make practice to respond to newspaper articles, but I did on this one.<\/p>\n<p style=\"border: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Here\u2019s what we all need to remember folks:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"border: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; margin-left: 3em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">\n<li style=\"border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Don\u2019t make promises you can\u2019t keep.<\/li>\n<li style=\"border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Don\u2019t place your child for adoption with people you aren\u2019t 1000% sure about.<\/li>\n<li style=\"border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Set boundaries for yourself. This goes for birth parents, adoptive parents, and extended family.<\/li>\n<li style=\"border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Know your weakness and anticipate it surfacing through rehabilitation. For a birth mother this would be feelings of anger towards the adoptive family because they can offer what you can\u2019t. That\u2019s natural, but it doesn\u2019t mean that it\u2019s \u201ctheir\u201d fault. &nbsp;It\u2019s not your fault either. It is what it is. There are always going to be the \u201cwhat if\u2019s\u201d to any situation. There are always going to be acknowledgments for things you could have done differently. And that\u2019s the point\u2026 and that\u2019s why it isn\u2019t \u201ctheir\u201d fault. &nbsp;As for an adoptive parent, I can only assume what the feelings might be, and this blog is not the place for assumptions.<\/li>\n<li style=\"border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Be kind with your language.&nbsp;A child wasn\u2019t \u201cgiven up\u201d\u2014they were placed. &nbsp;In my case, he was placed lovingly and with a tear-drenched head into the arms of his parent\u2019s social worker.<\/li>\n<li style=\"border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Your experience isn\u2019t the \u201cwhole\u201d definable experience. &nbsp;Do not ever associate all of what open adoption is with your experience only. I\u2019ve had a great experience. I\u2019m one of the lucky birth mothers whose adoptive couple kept their word and were honest when they weren\u2019t able to make promises. I know this isn\u2019t the case for every birth mother out there and that\u2019s unfortunate. On the flip-side of that proverbial coin, if your experience as a birth mother is rotten, that doesn\u2019t mean that all of Open Adoption is. So be careful in how you express your experience. It may feel all&nbsp;encompassing&nbsp;and total, but it isn\u2019t, it is yours and very singular in the details.<\/li>\n<li style=\"border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">This isn\u2019t about you (adoptive parent or birth parent). \u201cThis\u201d\u2014 meaning open adoption is about what is BEST for the child who is placed. Remember that.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"border: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">Here is my fear. If the fight gets bigger and the sides get more defined and the \u201cvision\u201d of open adoption gets so completely muddied by individual experiences, then it will be legislated. The law will get involved and it will make it definable. For the adoptive parents out there who are reneging on their promises: you are damaging more than just a birth mother\u2019s soul, you are throwing the gauntlet and forcing legislation to make a decision that could potentially harm you in the future and the promises you make. For the birth mothers who demand a constant presence in the child\u2019s life that you no longer have legal rights to: you are throwing the gauntlet and forcing legislation to make a decision that will impact every future birth mother to come, and that may not be for the best, even though in your individual case it might be. An entire communities\u2019 rights should NEVER be defined by an individual\u2019s wrongs or victimization, and that is what I\u2019m afraid will come from this debate.<\/p>\n<p style=\"border: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;\">It started simple; should birth fathers have a say in the placement of the child? (I still don\u2019t fully have an opinion on this, because my opinion is clouded by personal experience.) It\u2019s morphed into: should verbal contracts made before placement&nbsp;be binding after placement? In one instance, the answer is an easy \u201cyes\u201d because, perhaps then, people will be more careful in what they want to promise. Then again, the answer is an easy \u201cno\u201d because by legalizing everything, the communication will be forced, and \u201cforce\u201d is not good for a child. There is no balance in enforcement.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I just read an article on The Salt Lake Tribune about Open Adoption and it was informative. For those of you who don\u2019t know, the adoption practices of Utah, in comparison with other states, has been called in to question; what that question is has morphed into something uglier and bigger than it needs to&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10914,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[649],"tags":[636,655,657,658,656],"class_list":["post-23836","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-birth-mothers","tag-birth-father","tag-birth-parent","tag-father","tag-legal","tag-legality"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23836","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/10914"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23836"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23836\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23836"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23836"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adoptionnetwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23836"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}