Birth Mothers (Category)

Adoption Disruption: How to Financially Protect Yourself

Samantha Gindi — Tue, 16 Mar 2021 23:17:46 +0000

During the adoption process, sometimes things don’t always go as planned. There are many factors involved, and sometimes the needs, worries, and emotions of others can get in the way of placing a child with their adoptive family. One of the most difficult instances of this is adoption disruption.

When this happens, a child can no longer be placed with the adoptive family for a number of different reasons. Adoption disruption can happen, and oftentimes finances are involved. Fortunately, there is financial protection that may allow for some of the finances to be returned for when, and if, an adoption disruption occurs provided by Adoption Network.

Why You Need Financial Protection Financial Protection

The cost of adoption can be very high, so when an adoption disruption occurs, you can be out of a lot of money. In addition to the heartache, pain, and emotions involved in not being able to place a child, the financial devastation that comes with it can cause a lot of serious problems for the adoptive family as well as the Birth Mother and father.

For some adoptive families, an adoptive disruption without financial protection makes it next to impossible to attempt an adoption again because they simply do not have the funds to begin the process all over. This could mean that a child misses out on a wonderful, loving family to grow up with, as well as financial hardship for the adoptive family themselves.

If you are entitled to financial protection, you can avoid this harrowing pitfall, protect your finances, and still be placed with a child.

How We Can Help

Adoption Network Law Center focuses on building a trusting relationship with its Birth Mothers as well as fostering a trusting relationship between the Birth Mother and her Adopting Parents. This relationship helps identify a Birth Mother’s needs and helps us understand her commitment to her adoption plan. This is incredibly important because, if the communication between Adoption Network and our Birth Mothers is not completely clear, there is a higher risk of an adoption disruption due to the Birth Mother changing her mind. We do all that is possible to avoid this from happening, and it starts with laying a foundation of trust and complete honesty with all of our clients.

Adoption Network Law Center’s commitment to the Birth Mother support system is extremely successful in creating a comfort level with Birth Mothers and understanding the factors and circumstances that have led her to adoption helps Adoption Network Law Center analyze her commitment to the adoption. Through conversation, interaction and an extensive screening process, we can gather the needs and wants of a Birth Mother, thereby drawing up the perfect adoption plan for her and her child.

Being Prepared

Being prepared While there is no way to guarantee against a Birth Mother changing her mind or an unforeseen health issue with the baby, Adoption Network Law Center stands by its commitment to provide every Adopting Family with services until a successful adoption is achieved. Adoption Network Law Center will continue to provide services at no additional cost because all expenses are mentioned upfront. In addition, circumstances may provide for a refund of Birth Mother support

All in all, working with Adoption Network Law Center takes a very severe risk out of the adoption process. In the event of a disruption, we can give you peace of mind when it comes to financial and moral support. We understand how important it is to be placed with a child you can love and care for as they grow, and we don’t want these dreams inhibited by an adoption disruption. It is important to be prepared for such an event, but should it happen, you don’t have to worry about never adopting a child due to financial hardship. We will work with you.

The post Adoption Disruption: How to Financially Protect Yourself first appeared on Adoption Network.

Dealing with Unsupportive Parents and Family Members

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 01 Apr 2020 13:36:08 +0000

On both ends of the adoption spectrum, you may deal with unsupportive family members and parents. Whether you’re an expectant mother considering an adoption plan for your child, or you’re considering adopting a child into your family, you may run the risk of pushback from some of the people you care about most.

Of course, finding that your parent or other family member are unsupportive of your adoption plans can be discouraging, but this should not stop you in your tracks. Learning how to deal with naysayers to your decision may help you establish some confidence in your choice as well as reinforce the reasons behind it. Unsupportive parents and family members may be a given factor for some individuals embarking on adoption, but there are ways to overcome in a positive manner.

Unsupportive Parents and Family: for Birth Mothers

As an expectant mother, you have plenty of things to worry about without adding on the negative opinions of your family members and parents. Unfortunately, unsupportive family members can be more than just unsupportive in their opinions; they may even do what they can to stop the adoption from happening. From talking you out of it to meddling in the decision itself, some family members and even parents may take things too far.

With this in mind, you must know that neither your parents nor other family members can prevent you from going through with your adoption plan. The decision is yours and yours alone, which means their unsupportive words, actions, or feelings should not hold much influence over you. To help you deal with this, you can try the following:

Educate Them: A lot of parents and family members are against adoption because they don’t quite understand it. They see it as a black and white situation: either you “give up” your child, or you keep your child. However, you know it is certainly not so simple, or so cut and dry. The best way to ease your family away from this type of thinking is to educate them. Tell them why you’ve chosen adoption and show them that you truly feel that you’re making the best choice for your child by allowing him/her to be loved by another family as well as this one.
Show Them That You’re in Control: Some parents and family member may think that creating an adoption pan for a child is simply putting the child out of your hands. Show them that, in actuality, you are in full control of your adoption plan from start to finish. Inform that that:
- You Select the Adoptive Family Your child is not going to some random family when you choose adoption. In fact, you get to be actively involved in the selection of the adoptive family in most cases, ensuring that your child is placed with someone you’re comfortable with.
- You Are Eligible For and Will Receive Financial Assistance As the birth mother, you are able to receive financial assistance throughout the pregnancy and the adoption process depending on state regulation and law.
- You Choose the Amount of Contact With your Child: You get to decide between an open or closed adoption in most cases, which may involve letters, pictures, and even visits with your child.
- You Know What You’re Doing: Perhaps you have certain goals or aspirations that you won’t be able to achieve while raising a child, and you know it – tell your family this and explain why it’s best for you and the child to choose adoption.
- The Adoption IS Happening: Overall, the most important thing to inform your parents and family members is that, despite their opinions, the adoption will move forward. If necessary, remind them of your reasons, show them how much you care, and be clear about how much their support would mean to you.

Unsupportive Parents and Family: for Adoptive Parents

Unsupportive parents and family for adoptive parents

As an Adoptive Family, you may face backlash for wanting to welcome someone else’s child into your home and family. Your parents and other family members may be against, or unable to understand, why you want to adopt, and this can be frustrating. However, this should not put the brakes on your adoption plan. Again, education is the best medicine for parents and family members who are against your choice. Inform them of the following:

There May Be Reasons Why Adoption is Best For You: Some couples or individuals decide to adopt due to infertility or other medical problems when it comes to conceiving. Such issues are very personal, and usually stay within the confines of the couple’s relationship or the individual’s inner mind. If, for whatever reason, your parents or family members do not know about your infertility or other medical condition, you do not have to tell them. However, explaining that there are more reasons behind adoption than what they might think may help them keep an open mind and be more sensitive.
You Are Financially Stable: Just as deciding to get pregnant is between you and your significant other, deciding to adopt is between the two of you as well. Even as an individual, it is up to you when to start a family, and, sometimes, adoption is the best way. One of the main concerns about having children are the financial obligations that come with them. Adoption can be very expensive which may cause some family members to be wary. Inform that you are an adult and have considered all the financial demands adoption comes with. Show them that there are also loans and grants available to help adopt, as well as additional adoption resources.
This is Something You Want to Do: Some families choose adoption because they simply want to expand in that way. They want to help children in need, and adoption is a wonderful way to do so. Telling your family this may show them that you have a very real and very pure reason for your decision.
It IS Going to Happen: At the end of the day, adoption is your decision and your parents and family members can do very little to stop you from moving forward. Though it may be frustrating and discouraging, you may have to accept your family’s views and feelings, but still inform them that the adoption is going to happen. Here, relaying how much their support would mean to you, but you must understand that this may not change anything.

Staying Strong

All in all, adoption is a very emotional decision for everyone involved, and a lack of support can certainly make things difficult. Though this may happen, you are not alone. You can find the support you need through groups or within the adoption community. While your parents and family members may be unsupportive now, they may not always be. Remember this and move forward with your decision because you know it is right for you, your child, and your immediate family.

The post Dealing with Unsupportive Parents and Family Members first appeared on Adoption Network.

Adoption Choices for Expectant Parents

Samantha Gindi — Tue, 07 Jan 2020 11:22:05 +0000

There are many adoption choices you will be asked to make during your pregnancy. Once you start your adoption plan, you will need to choose an adoptive family, decide how much contact you want with them during your pregnancy and if you want to maintain contact after you place your child into his/her new home.

Unless a court has terminated your parental rights or you do not want to make the choice, the final decision of who will parent your child is frequently left to you. Choosing an adoptive family may be done with the assistance of your attorney, an adoption agency, personal networking, social media or print ads.

Singles and couples looking to adopt are screened in the state in which they live. They need to be pre-approved to adopt, meaning they have met state standards which include being physically and emotionally healthy, financially secure and free of any criminal or abuse history which would interfere with them parenting. After they have received this approval, they begin the search for a child, which often includes finding you during your pregnancy.

While adoptive parents are looking for you and interested in your background, you may be interested in finding out about their personalities, interests, lifestyle, religious beliefs, siblings or their plans to add more children to the family or their extended family. While you will receive information from your attorney or adoption agency, you may also want to talk directly to the adoptive parents.

There are varying degrees of contact during an adoption process. In a closed adoption, all information is shared through a third party, such as an attorney or adoption agency. Your information is kept private. Open adoptions include various types. You will have the opportunity to talk to and meet them during your pregnancy, before the transfer sharing of custody of your child and after placement. A semi-open relationship typically involves sharing of first names, city of residence, phone calls, emails and texts. An open adoption relationship adds full names and residences, and frequently, in-person meetings. These types of contacts take place during the pregnancy, at the time of birth and transfer of the child’s custody to the adoptive parents. Most birth and adoptive parents feel the contact creates a sense of trust and security focused on the child’s well-being.

Some open adoptions include ongoing contact after the placement of the child into the adoptive home. In some states, a Post Adoption Contract Agreement (PACA) is signed by birth and adoptive parents. Each PACA is individualized and should be designed with the child’s best interests in mind. Frequently included is a schedule of written communication or in-person meetings between the birth and adoptive families in the years after the adoption placement and finalization. It needs to be noted that you or the adoptive parents may feel differently as the years progress, and the child may have his/her own wishes and needs for contact. PACAs are not always legally enforceable.

Making an adoption plan, and the many decisions that go along with it, is not always easy. If you need more time, you are entitled to it. There are social workers, counselors and attorneys who can help guide you, but will not make the decision for you. No one, including any professional or family member, should pressure you into making a decision. They can, however, help you sort through your options and get answers to your questions.

Your comfort level in making an adoption plan for your child is paramount in deciding if you will have personal contact during the pregnancy and after the placement. It will determine your ability to find out how your child is doing and be available to give information should questions arise over the years. It will provide your child with direct information to help them understand your decision and circumstances surrounding their adoption, as well as remove the mystery of who you are. Consider what seems right for you at this time and be prepared to adjust your level of contact over the years, as you and your child’s lives evolve.

The post Adoption Choices for Expectant Parents first appeared on Adoption Network.

Do I Get To Meet The Adoptive Parents?

Samantha Gindi — Tue, 03 Dec 2019 13:58:59 +0000

In most domestic adoption situations, if you want, you can choose the adoptive parent(s). This may be done through reviewing adoptive parent(s) profiles at an adoption agency or with an attorney (where allowed), looking for an adoptive family on the Internet or by asking everyone you know (“word of mouth”) if they know anyone who wants to adopt. Through any of these means, you can connect with a prospective adoptive parent.

Part of your process of making an adoption decision will include discussion of how you will find a family and if you want to meet them. The amount of contact can vary from just a phone call, to face-to-face meetings during the pregnancy, and contact continuing after the baby’s birth. The degree of “openness” in the adoption will be based on your comfort level, and that of the adoptive parent(s).

If you connect with a prospective parent through word of mouth or the Internet, you will have the opportunity to email and talk to one another. If you are matched with prospective parents through an agency or attorney, you and the prospective adoptive family will have the option of speaking and meeting. If you both agree, the agency or attorney can assist in these contacts. Meetings can occur during the pregnancy and after. You can also decide to have the adoptive parent(s) at the birth of your baby. You might also want them to meet your extended family or other children, giving them a better sense of who you are and your family background. You can also plan for phone calls, emails, letters and meetings after the child is placed into the adoptive family.

Some states actually require a Post Adoption Contact Agreement, which specifies the extent and frequency of the contact after the baby is placed into the adoptive home. In states or situations where no agreement is needed, you may still arrange for contact over the years. This may include the sending of photos and letters, or meetings with your child. You may also want to arrange a way to share medical information or a way for the adoptive parent(s) to obtain medical information from you should the need arise in the future. You can set an agency, attorney or independent person or entity as the “point of sharing.” As your child grows, and depending upon circumstances, there may be a need to revisit the plan, adding or limiting contacts.

Decisions on how much contact to have during the adoption process or after your child is living in their new home can be difficult. Counseling is available to you during the decision making phase to help you think through your options. This counseling is typically offered through an adoption agency or paid for by the adopting parent(s).

You may also decide not to talk to or meet the adoptive parents. However, choosing the adoptive parent(s) may help to alleviate some of your concerns about who will be raising your child. Maintaining contact allows you to know how your child is doing and reassures you that you made the right choice.

The post Do I Get To Meet The Adoptive Parents? first appeared on Adoption Network.

Does placing my baby for adoption make me a bad person?

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 25 Sep 2019 15:25:12 +0000

Does placing my baby for adoption make me a bad person? When I was making the decision whether or not to place my baby for adoption, I struggled with this same question. Unfortunately, there is a lot of shame placed on women experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. Birth moms are oftentimes thought of as irresponsible and careless. On top of that shame placed on us, there is still ignorance about adoption which creates an additional stigma. Society tells us that women who place their babies for adoption are taking the easy way out or are running away from their responsibilities. As a birth parent, I have come to learn that it is the exact opposite. Expecting mothers choosing adoption are making the hardest decision and taking full responsibility while making the best choice for their child.

Some people would say to me that I was making a brave and selfless decision, but to be honest I did not feel that way. I weighed out my unplanned pregnancy options and while I was making the decision that was best for my baby, I was also making the decision that was best for me. I felt selfish for wanting my life back to the way it was before my unplanned pregnancy. I felt shame that I could not parent on my own child. So, while my selfish reasons helped me to make my decision, the driving force in my decision to place my daughter for adoption was my desire for her to have the best life. I knew adoption would give her that and she deserved it. And let me tell you that placing my daughter was the most difficult experience of my life. As sure as I was about placing my baby for adoption, my heart was betraying my head. It hurt. When it came down to it during my adoption process, I forgot all about my selfish reasons and the only thing that kept me going was knowing she deserved a life I could not give her on my own. It wasn’t about me; it was about her.

I mean I may be biased, but I think birth parents are some of the most courageous and selfless people. They are making the ultimate sacrifice. They are putting their child’s needs above the wants and desires of their own heart. It really doesn’t get any braver than that. They are taking a difficult experience and making it into something beautiful. And that is something to be proud of. It takes a special kind of person to make that sacrifice. Placing your baby for adoption doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a beautiful person.

Author: Ali D.

The post Does placing my baby for adoption make me a bad person? first appeared on Adoption Network.

Adoption in one word

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 11 Sep 2019 09:43:18 +0000

Adoption In One Word (hint… it’s love)

Whether you are considering adoption for your baby, thinking about building your family through adoption, have already placed your child for adoption or have adopted one or more children, you are familiar with all the words. You know all of these emotions, and may have even felt them through your process. The one prevailing word that weaves its way through all of them is love. If it wasn’t for love, none of the other emotions would exist.

Adoption is many things; it’s the definition of complex. Every emotion, hundreds of laws, lives changed forever… Infinitely complicated.

Adoption

It’s a completely natural thing to nurture and care for a child, even if that child didn’t come from you. However, it’s not a natural thing to place your child in the arms of another to nurture and raise.

Natural / unnatural

Adoptive Mom: “The most beautiful feeling in the world was when I first saw my child and his birth mother handed him to me.”

Birth Mom: “It was the most painful moment in my life when I handed my baby to another mother”

Joy / heartbreak

Adoptive Mom: “The woman who made me a mother is the bravest soul I know.”

Birth Mom: “Placing my child for adoption was the scariest experience of my life.”

Brave / frightening

Birth Mom: “I am so proud of the child I created and the family I helped build”

Birth Mom: “I never talk about it – people don’t understand”

Pride/shame

Adoptive Mom: My child’s birth mother will always be a part of our family

Birth Mom: I feel so alone

Family/Isolation

Adoptive Mom: “The love I feel for my child is indescribable.”

Birth Mom: “I will always love my child; until the day I die”

Love/love

The post Adoption in one word first appeared on Adoption Network.

Birth Mothers Experience: 9 Things We Want Adoptive Parents To Know About Us

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 04 Sep 2019 12:24:51 +0000

The relationship between adoptive parents and birth parents can be very difficult to navigate. Although both sets of parents are going through this journey together, they come from different perspectives. Finding common ground can help break down barriers and provide a better understanding of each other’s experiences. We spoke with mothers who placed with Adoption Network about what they want adoptive parents to know about their birth mother experience.

Birth mothers experience a lot of the same emotions that adoptive parents do

Adoption is a very human experience filled with uncertainties and unknowns. While adoptive parents may feel nervous about the journey ahead, birth mothers often feel nervous and scared too. The first step towards building a respectful relationship is to give grace to each other. A birth mother’s life experiences may cause her to make decisions in her own time and in her own way. Patience and understanding can go a long way in helping a birth mother build a trusting relationship with her child’s adoptive parents.

Birth mothers can sense when adoptive parents are being genuine

Birth mothers are trying their best to create a solid, loving, and stable future for their child. They are first mothers and they listen to their mother’s intuition. Birth mothers are trusting adoptive parents to share who they really are and what their real lives look like. Birth mothers can feel when adoptive parents genuinely care about them and their well-being.

Birth mothers, and their stories, are all different

Adoptive parents may have friends or family members who have adopted or have adoption in their lives already. Each adoption experience and situation are different from each other. Birth mothers are individuals with their own stories, backgrounds, hopes, and dreams. The best relationships with birth mothers are ones where there are no preconceived notions or expectations. Birth mothers are women first, and they want you to know them and see them beyond their role of birth mother.

Birth mothers may want alone time with the baby

Birth mothers are individuals with their own ways of processing their emotions. Giving birth to a child and making the decision to place them is deeply emotional. Birth mothers deserve the space and privacy they need to say goodbye. This can be a necessary and healthy step in a birth mother’s grieving process, and it is not always a red flag.

Be patient with birth mothers

For adoptive parents, this adoption journey may be the only thing taking up emotional space in their lives. For a birth mother, this adoption journey may be one of a million things that she is trying to process. An adoption plan is one place where a birth mother has control in making deliberate decisions. Allow her time and patience if she doesn’t immediately respond to questions or requests. There may be many chapters in her story that are taking place right now, and she is doing the best she can for her baby’s future.

An adoptive parent’s greatest gain is also a birth mother’s greatest loss

Birth mothers make their adoption plans with their child’s best interests in mind. Yet, it can be emotional for birth mothers to realize that the future they dream of will be provided by adoptive parents instead. The most joyous time in an adoptive parent’s life is also the most heartbreaking time in a birth mother’s.

Birth mothers need space

It is nothing personal. The reality of a birth mother’s situation may become too overwhelming to confront at times. Sometimes, birth mothers need space and time to focus on something other than their adoption. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t thinking of their child or turning away from their adoption plan. It doesn’t mean that they are angry with adoptive parents. Taking a break is a healthy form of self-care. Healing is an ebbing and flowing process. Birth mothers will come back around when they are ready.

Birth mothers do not want to co-parent

Open and semi-open adoption is often misunderstood as co-parenting. Birth mothers choose adoption for their child because they do not feel like they are able to parent at this time in their lives. That doesn’t mean that birth mothers don’t care how their child is doing. In an open or semi-open adoption plan, they still would like to see updates. Birth mothers often find peace in seeing how their decisions were the right choice for them. Open and semi-open adoption does not mean that a birth mother will want her baby back.

Birth mothers still miss their children

Even during an open or semi-open adoption, birth mothers may need time and space to heal. Not asking for updates or being less communicative does not mean that birth mothers have forgotten about their children. They are processing in their own ways, and always miss and think of their children.

Adoption Network is always grateful to hear about the individual experiences of our birth mothers. As you can see, navigating a relationship between adoptive parents and birth mothers is filled with emotions and takes patience and understanding. Both adoptive parents and birth mothers receive hands-on help and advice from dedicated Adoption Network team members. You don’t have to navigate the adoption journey alone, whether you are hoping to adopt or considering placing your child. We are here to listen, educate, and lean on at any stage of your adoption journey.

The post Birth Mothers Experience: 9 Things We Want Adoptive Parents To Know About Us first appeared on Adoption Network.

Oh The Places You’ll Go – What We Have Accomplished Since Placing

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 15:24:29 +0000

“There is nothing
more powerful or radical or stunningly beautiful than a woman who chooses to
rebuild her life day after day. No matter how many pieces there are to pick up
or how many mistakes she must spin into gold.”

– Carol Alwill Leyba

Placing a child is life changing in a number of ways. It can
put your past, present, and future into a whole new perspective. After placing,
I remember sitting down with my counselor and talking with her about the things
I wanted to do with my life and the goals I wanted to set for myself. I felt
like I had now been given a second shot at getting it right and I didn’t want
to mess it up. I was 19 and in college when I got pregnant and I was devastated
by the possibility that I wouldn’t be able to finish college and get my degree.
I had worked so hard to get where I was. Placing my daughter allowed me to
refocus and I set a goal for myself that I wanted to graduate in 4 years. I
wanted my daughter to be proud of me. I wanted her to see that I made something
of my life.

In 2014 I achieved that goal and graduated with my BA in
Psychology. It was one of the best days of my life. But do you want to know
what the best part was? My daughter was there with her parents. In fact she was
waving at me while I walked across the stage and was handed my diploma. I felt
a flood of emotion as my daughter watched me. She was able to witness me taking
the next step in bettering my future. It was a full circle moment for me.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that
her parents understood the significance of that day and showed up for me. And
they have continued to show up for me over the years and have celebrated my
accomplishments.

Since then I have continued to set and achieve goals so that
one day she might be proud that I am her birthmother. I found my passion in
life and have pursued a career in the adoption field. There may come a day when
she asks me about my decision, and I hope that I have a long list of
accomplishments to show her what I was able to do because of it. I obviously
made the decision because I wanted her to have a better life, but I was also
able to better my own life.

Here are the achievements of other birthmothers in our
Healing Hearts group who picked themselves up and achieved great things after
placing.

“I am a little over 1
years clean and sober.”

“I am a much better
parent now for both of my children. SO much so that I have finally regained
custody of my first born son who is now 11.”

“I got out of a 12
year abusive relationship.”

“Over the past 2
years I have overcome a lot of obstacles and I finally have my life on the
right path.”

“Now, 8 years later,
I have been married for 4 years and I have a son. He is 1 and I couldn’t be happier.
I was given a second chance.”

And those are just a few…Isn’t it amazing what one can
accomplish when given the chance?

By: Ali D.

The post Oh The Places You’ll Go – What We Have Accomplished Since Placing first appeared on Adoption Network.

What It Feels Like Not Receiving Updates/Pictures of Our Child – The Birthmother Experience

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 21 Aug 2019 09:35:01 +0000

We held up our end of the deal, but you aren’t holding up yours.

Maybe you are busy, maybe you forgot about us, or maybe it
isn’t a priority.

But we haven’t forgotten.

We don’t want to bother you so we don’t ask.

Or we have asked so many times without getting anything that
we have just given up.

We feel like a means to an end. A vessel so you could get
what you always wanted.

Makes us second guess if we made the right decision. If we
picked the right family.

We are forced to wonder if our child is being take care of.
If he/she is ok. If they know about us.

And so we wait. Hoping for an email or an update or anything
at all.

While you are living life, we wait.

I think what is so heartbreaking is that there are SO many
birthmothers with stories like these. For every 1 birthmother getting her
updates and pictures as promised, there 5 others who aren’t. Here are just a
few birthmothers who bravely shared what it feels like to not get updates and
pictures of their child.

“My daughter’s adoptive parents stopped sending pictures and
updates almost 4 years ago. They sent some pictures this past Christmas and I
know absolutely nothing about my daughter. It
really hurt me for a long time. I started having feelings of resentment and
that I didn’t make the right choice as far as the family goes. I know they love
her and she has a great life, BUT IT IS
LIKE LOSING HER FOR A SECOND TIME. I’ve come to a point where it’s almost
“out of sight out of mind” now. I hate saying that because she’s a part of me
and I wish I could be more to her. I don’t even know if she knows my name, who
I am, or if she is adopted. It is a
terrible feeling.”

-Ali C.

“My daughter went to an amazing couple and they sent
pictures and updates all the time. But then it slowed. Then it stopped
altogether. After about 2 years I called her adoptive mom and asked her why.
She was terrified to tell me that they had divorced. I was crushed my daughter
was still fatherless after all I did for her UNTIL I realized how much my
daughter meant to Sarah (her adoptive mom) as she headed out on her own with a
3 year old. I don’t pester because life can really get the best of us
sometimes, but I really hope
communication will pick up again. I love them both and I love hearing about
their life together.”

-Darcee C.

“I had my daughter at 16 and didn’t really reach out until I
was 20 years old because I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I was still
a child and learning about life. In my 20’s I realized that I have a daughter
and I wanted to know about her. I never knew how the adoption process worked
because everything was pretty much done for me at 16. Now that I know, I only ask for an update once a year in
June and that’s on her birthday. Even then it takes her parents 2-3 months to
get me an update. This year I have not gotten anything yet, still waiting. It’s
August. It makes me sad because I don’t ask for much and I don’t want to
feel like I’m bothering them. I cry.
I keep saying to myself that they are busy or something must have come up. They
are good people and I still believe that, but it’s cruel. After reaching out so many times, it breaks my heart because I only ask
for 1 picture once a year. Of course I want more. Of course I want them to
send me a letter and tell me how she is and all about her. I have been checking
my email constantly since June 25 and nothing. I deserve to know my daughter or at least how she is doing.”

-Jess A.

So maybe those pictures and updates don’t mean much to you,
maybe they are an inconvenience, but they mean the world to us. You are breaking a promise to the woman who
trusted you. Let that sink in. If you can’t follow through with what a
birthmother is asking for in terms of post placement updates and contact, then
maybe it isn’t the right situation for you. And there is no shame in
recognizing that and waiting for a situation that better suits you. She
deserves your honesty and she deserves to receive what she is asking for. In
today’s world it takes less than 1 minute to send a picture via email or upload
a photo on the Shutterfly app on your phone. It is one minute out of your day,
5 minutes out of your year, to show your birthmother that you care about her
and you are committed to holding up your end of the deal.

We held up our end of the deal, so please hold up yours.

The post What It Feels Like Not Receiving Updates/Pictures of Our Child – The Birthmother Experience first appeared on Adoption Network.

The Birthmother Experience: How Do Birth Mothers Feel Seeing Pictures and Receiving Updates of Their Child?

Samantha Gindi — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 10:31:44 +0000

How Do Birth Mothers
Feel Seeing Pictures and Receiving Updates of Their Child

How Do Birth Mothers Feel NOT Seeing Pictures and Receiving Updates of Their Child (next
week)

Open adoption has so many components to it, and if we are
being honest, IT’S SCARY. While I can only imagine the fears and worries adoptive
parents might experience when starting their open adoption journey, I can tell
you from my personal experience that having openness is what has reaffirmed my
decision over and over and over again.

I think the number one fear I have heard from adoptive
parents over the years is, “What if she sees the baby and then wants him/her
back?” And while I can’t guarantee that there are not birth parents out there
that might feel that way, I would say the overwhelming majority don’t. In fact
receiving updates and seeing my birth daughter has had the opposite effect on
me and many other birth parents.

I vividly remember my first visit with my birth daughter and
her parents after leaving the hospital. I was so nervous about how I would feel
seeing her and holding her. I honestly was afraid I would want to take her
back. I remember holding her and talking with her parents and genuinely
enjoying the time we were spending together. Then it was time for them to go.
After they left my mom asked me how I felt and I said, “Actually Mom, this is
the most at peace I have ever felt with my decision.” It was the first time
that I 100% felt like I had made the best decision for her. I got to witness
them doting over her and fighting about who would GET to change her diaper (not
HAVE to change it). She had two amazing and loving parents who were there for
her every need. It was exactly what I wanted for her. Exactly what she
deserved.

Over the years as our openness has grown, seeing her
laughing and smiling and thriving is what reassures me every time that I made
the right decision. When I get pictures of her smiling on vacation in Europe I
get so excited that she is getting the chance to travel the world. I see the
beautiful life she is living with endless opportunities that I could not have
provided her, and I am so happy that she has that. That’s all I ever wanted for
her. Now, again, I wouldn’t want to lead you to believe that there aren’t times
when I see her pictures or get updates that don’t make me sad or make me miss
her. That definitely happens too. But then, not too long after the sadness, I
am reminded that she is living her very best life and that is because of my
decision.

Here are some things that other birth mothers have said about
seeing pictures and receiving updates about their child.

“It makes me feel so happy that he’s growing and enjoying
life with his family. I have an open adoption but sometimes the pictures are
fewer than before. And I’m ok with that, because I know he’s living life. But
sad sometimes because I wonder if his parents ever think of the hospital
experience or of me or my daughters.” – Cedia O.

“At first it was very hard to see and now, after 5 years, I
look at my son and am shocked at how big he got and the crazy things he’s doing,
and then I get happy and realize it was the best thing for him.” – Jessica G.

“My daughter went to an amazing couple who sent pics and
updates all the time. I felt as if I really knew my daughter from a
distance. I love them both to the moon and love hearing about their life
together….” – Darcee C.

Openness is scary and it is a huge unknown. We get it. BUT
openness and updates can be the difference between your birth mother healing or
not. It can be the difference between your birth mother feeling reassured, or
spending the rest of her life wondering if she made the right decision. This
woman has given you her everything and in return has asked for a few pictures
and updates throughout the years. And when put in that perspective, it seems
like a reasonable request. So if you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it
for your birth mother, the woman who entrusted you with the most precious gift
she has to give. It can make a bigger difference than you could ever imagine.

Author: Ali D.

The post The Birthmother Experience: How Do Birth Mothers Feel Seeing Pictures and Receiving Updates of Their Child? first appeared on Adoption Network.

The Birthmother Experience: We Didn’t Give Up

Samantha Gindi — Tue, 06 Aug 2019 14:51:44 +0000

I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me “so you gave up your baby for adoption.” I really try to give most people the benefit of the doubt because, unfortunately, there is a huge lack of adoption education in the world. But this is probably one of the phrases that evokes the most anger and hurt when I hear it. People don’t give up things they love. They give up bad habits, they give up unhealthy foods, they give up things having a negative impact on their lives.

I am here to set the record straight. WE DIDN’T GIVE UP ANYTHING.

We didn’t give up our baby. WE CREATED AN ADOPTION PLAN FOR OUR CHILD.

We didn’t give up our baby. WE PLACED OUR CHILD INTO THE ARMS OF A LOVING FAMILY.

We didn’t give up our baby. WE MADE A DIFFICULT CHOICE TO DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR OUR CHILD.

WE PLACED OUR CHILD FOR ADOPTION BECAUSE we love them.

WE PLACED OUR CHILD FOR ADOPTION BECAUSE we wanted to make sure our child had everything he/she deserved.

WE PLACED OUR CHILD FOR ADOPTION BECAUSE we loved them enough to give them a life we knew we couldn’t provide.

WE PLACED OUR CHILD FOR ADOPTION BECAUSE we wanted to give a gift to a family that couldn’t have one.

WE PLACED OUR CHILD FOR ADOPTION BECAUSE they deserved more.

It took time. It took effort. It took thought. It took a true act of selfless love to place our child. We sought counseling and guidance. We filled out loads of paperwork. We chose a family. We created a plan. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t quick. And it sure didn’t feel like we were “giving up” anything.

Author: Ali C.

The post The Birthmother Experience: We Didn’t Give Up first appeared on Adoption Network.

The Birthmother Experience: What Does Healing Mean To Us

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 00:14:34 +0000

I was talking with someone about my adoption journey
recently and I was stopped in my tracks by the question “do you think you have
fully healed from your experience?” It was a question I had never been asked
and quite frankly something I had never really thought about. It made me start
to think about how far I have come emotionally since placing my birth daughter,
but at the same time confront the emotions that I still feel to this day. My
first instinct was to say yes, but then I couldn’t help but think about the
days that I still struggle with it. 7 years later there are still hard days and
sometimes hard weeks. There are still times I cry and I struggle. Healing is
different for everyone, so I was curious what other birth moms felt like
“healing” was to them. Here is what they said.

Now before I jump into this next part I feel the need to get
something straight right out of the gates. We NEVER “get over” our experience.
It is something that becomes a part of us and hopefully one day a very healthy,
happy part of us. But when people ask “Are you over it now?” the answer to that
is always NO.

So What Does Healing Mean To Us?

HAVING MORE GOOD DAYS
THAN BAD DAYS. If I am being honest, the first part of an adoption journey
for birthparents can be all consuming. The best way I can describe it is like
an hourglass. All of the sand starts out at the top (representing the hard,
painful days) and slowly it trickles down and there starts to become more and
more in the bottom (the good days). But it can be very slow moving. The
adoption journey can be very much like an hourglass. At some point in our
journey there starts to be more good days than bad.

BEING ABLE TO TALK
ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCE. For some birthmothers, speaking about our experience
and having a platform to tell our story allows us to process our emotions and
to not feel alone. Whether it be a group of fellow birthmothers or a nationwide
adoption conference, having the space to be authentic and open can be so
healing and powerful. While every birthmother is unique, I think we all find
comfort in knowing we are not alone and that our story matters.

FINDING PRIDE IN
BEING A BIRTHMOTHER. Unfortunately in today’s world there is still a lot of
shame placed on women who choose to make an adoption plan for their child. On
top of the grief we are experiencing, we often feel guilt and shame. The day we
can find pride in being a birthmother is one of the most powerful experiences.
The day that we realize that we created something so amazing out of something
so awful is the day we understand what an honor it is to be a birthmother.
Birthmothers are STRONG, SELFLESS, COURAGEOUS, and BRAVE, so brave that they
are willing to rip their own heart out to give their child a better life. And
hopefully one day we find the courage to let go of the guilt and shame that is
put on us and celebrate the amazing women we are.

WE DON’T REALLY KNOW.
I think there is a part of us that doesn’t really know what it means to be
fully healed. Do we every really fully heal from it? It is such a unique
experience and there is no right or wrong way to feel. It is uncharted
territory. Sometimes it’s a week straight of crying. Sometimes it is years of
feeling at peace. Sometimes it’s a feeling that sneaks up on you just when you
thought you felt okay. At the end of the day we are doing the best that we can
to navigate through a difficult, beautiful, painful, situation that has
absolutely no roadmap.

Written by: Ali D.

The post The Birthmother Experience: What Does Healing Mean To Us first appeared on Adoption Network.

The Birthmother Experience: What We Want Our Birth Child To Know About Us

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 17 Jul 2019 15:48:43 +0000

When we are making the decision to place our child for
adoption, and quite frankly for years after, we are sometimes consumed with
wondering what our child will think about us. Will they hate us for what we
did? Will they recognize the difficulty of the decision we made? Will they be
proud of us? Will they know we love them? Will they even want to know anything
about us?

After having gone through the experience myself and having
talked with a number of birthmothers, here are a few things we want our birth
child/ren to know about us.

WE LOVE YOU.
From day 1. There has never been a question or doubt about that. In fact, we love
you so much that we made the ultimate sacrifice so that you would have
everything you deserved to have.

THIS WAS NOT AN EASY DECISION.
Nor was it one we took lightly. There were many sleepless nights and this was not a decision that we made in a day. It is the single most
painful and difficult decision we have ever had to make. But you were worth it
to us.

AT NO POINT DID WE NOT WANT YOU.
We did this because we wanted you to have so much more than we could give you. You deserved a life we couldn’t provide. We wanted more for
you than we had to offer. And at that time we probably would have given anything for the circumstances to have been different.

GOD BLESSED US WITH YOU, FOR THEM.
I know that I was meant to carry you and they were meant to be your parents. I found the perfect family for you, one that I knew would love
you just as much as me and take the best care of you.

WE WILL BE HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT.
Should the day ever come that you need us, we will be there.

WE NEVER FORGOT ABOUT YOU.
And we never will. You will forever be a part of us and we think about you often. We wonder how you are doing, what you look like, what your favorite
things are and a million other things.

There are so many things I wish my birth daughter knew about
me…then and now. And if we are lucky enough to have an open adoption that
allows us, we may even get the chance to tell them someday. If there was one
all- encompassing thing that I could tell her it would be that she made me
realize the strength I didn’t know I had. Because of her I made an impossible
decision and even though it felt impossible I am still here standing strong
today. And she has a life I could have only imagined she would have.

Author: Ali D.

The post The Birthmother Experience: What We Want Our Birth Child To Know About Us first appeared on Adoption Network.

Will There be Counseling Available to Me After Adoption Placement?

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 09:39:28 +0000

This seemingly simple question can actually be very complicated. Is there counseling available? Sure. No problem. Will it automatically be made available to you post-placement? Not necessarily. It all depends on three factors.

First, who is handling your adoption? Is it your private family attorney? An agency? Someone else? One major thing an agency has going for it is that they are already equipped to handle pre- and post-placement counseling. They don’t need to be brought up to speed. They don’t need to read up on the unresolved feelings of grief that can follow placement. If you have used an agency, they have walked the road with you and you have already built a relationship with them. Now you just need to keep trusting them to support you.

If you are not going through an agency, the first place you might start looking for post-placement support is an adoption agency. They already have the knowledge base and experience you need so you can start benefitting from the relationship immediately.

But just because you find an agency that has the skill set you need doesn’t mean you will immediately find a counselor with whom you connect and feel safe. What is that counseling relationship all about anyway? Studies show that the thing most benefitting to clients in a counseling relationship is not the education of the counselor nor the specific type of therapies used. Studies show that the relationship between the therapist and counselor is what makes the difference. So finding someone with the skills you need may not be as challenging as finding someone you trust and with whom you connect.

So how does one go about finding a suitable counselor? Consider these sources:

Referrals from friends and other birthmoms who have sought post-placement counseling
Referrals from other professionals in your life
Local churches

Secondly, what are your specific needs? Perhaps a birthmom support group will be enough for you. Finding validation with women who are facing similar issues may be the exact thing you need —and the only thing you need—post placement. You can search the internet and local agencies for both in-person and online support groups. There seems to be more and more groups that include both. Ladies can participate at whatever level they need and are most comfortable with.

For some, a support group will be enough. Others will be dealing with issues in addition to placement. Some women need support in dealing with an abusive relationship, for example, or dealing with another family situation that was exacerbated by the pregnancy and adoption.

Finally, what do you want your future to look like? Do you need help navigating the relationship with the adoptive parents? Do you need support in navigating a new chapter of your life such as being on your own for the first time? These are important things to consider when deciding what kind of counseling to pursue. Don’t be afraid to ask for a consult with a couple of different therapists before you decide. Meeting someone in person can oftentimes give you a better sense of what kind of relationship you will have with them. Be up front in telling the counselor that you would like a “try out” before you commit to a therapeutic relationship. When you meet with them, ask them what you want to know. Counseling is for you and about you. It won’t help you if you are afraid to speak up and ask for what you really want and need.

So is counseling available to you post-placement? Absolutely. For many women, it is helpful as they integrate their new role of birthmom into their lives. With so many options accessible to you, finding what suits your needs the best is the biggest challenge.

The post Will There be Counseling Available to Me After Adoption Placement? first appeared on Adoption Network.

Post Adoption: Coping with Your Child’s Absence During the Holidays

Samantha Gindi — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 09:39:45 +0000

What if every year, at every celebration, there was something missing? What if no one knew you felt that way? What if what was missing was knowing where and how your child was?

Children are not the only ones to think about birth parents. Birth parents also think about their children. Holidays and other celebrations or times of the year (i.e. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day) can be an emotional time for a birth parent.

Deciding to make an adoption plan for a child does not mean you stop thinking about that child. Some of these decisions were made freely and deliberately; some out of necessity; and some under pressure of extended family or circumstances.

While some birth parents are able to maintain a direct relationship with their children, others are not so lucky. They may exchange letters or photos through a third party or not have any access or contact at all.

During this time of year with so many holiday gatherings and celebrations with their own families and friends, birth parents may feel the absence of the child who was adopted. They may wonder what the child is doing, if he or she ever thinks of them, and what life would be like if they were not adopted and still living with them.

Feelings may be very mixed—ranging from joy that they made a good decision for their child, to regrets over the adoption, or the lack of a way to contact and stay in touch or to find out how they are doing. Not wanting to interfere in a child’s life, many birth parents do nothing but wonder and worry, or wait for the child to contact them.

What can a birth parent do?

Contact the attorney or agency that helped you with the adoption—ask if they have heard from your child or the adoptive family, or if they can find out how your child is doing.
Write a letter to your child or the adoptive parent(s), give it to the attorney or agency that helped with the adoption, and ask them to forward it.
Find a local birth parent support group, share your feelings and get support. Some also provide suggestions for how to find out how your child is doing.
If possible, share your feelings with those closest to you and explain why you are having difficulty feeling festive.
If you have contact with your child (or the family) discuss how you feel and if that is your wish, to arrange for a visit with the child during the holidays.

The holidays can be a joyous occasion but they may also have their difficult and emotional moments. Since you are not able to avoid all situations, accept that you will have those moments and plan how you will handle them.

Limit social interactions and the number of events in which you participate.
Enlist a spouse, family member or close friend who knows how you are feeling to stick close to you at parties, events and celebrations. Have a way for you to signal you are having a difficult moment so they can distract you or remove you from a conversation, etc.

Year after year, birth parents recall their decision to make an adoption plan for their child. Whether the placement was by choice or necessity, and the child is being raised in another family, that child is still a child of the birth parent.

Adopted children will always have connections to two families. While one may celebrate in person, the other may remember and wonder. As you celebrate this season, never forget your child’s past, present and future.

The post Post Adoption: Coping with Your Child’s Absence During the Holidays first appeared on Adoption Network.